Fear of Consequences


"If you let the fear of consequence prevent you from follwoing your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient, and thin."  – Katharine Butler Hathaway, early twentieth-century phrase turner

Like most other people, I struggle with being safe and being authentic.  I compromise.  Recently, I've begun looking at my relationships again.  I thought I was resetting my life when I turned 50, but this year I turned 53 and things aren't much different.  So, I've made a new plan and that means leaving a job that bores me and retiring at age 56.  It means buying a house (townhouse or condo) between now and then,

All of that forces me to evalute my family and  especially my "romantic" relationships.  I don't remember the last time we had sex and we haven't slept in the same bed for longer than that.  He cheated and got caught (multiple times).  I remarked that the sex wasn't ALWAYs perfect.  He couldn't tolerate sleeping on a waterbed due to back and shoulder issues.  I was disappointed that work ALWAYS came first even when planning things well in advance.  Well, I replaced the waterbed and he is still sleeping in the living room.  I had to demand he remove his mattress from the den in order to give myself living space.  I was literally living in my bedroom while he had the den and the living room.  The kitchen and dining room was used to accumulate projects and things it was inconvenient to put away.

Finally, I cannot include him whening planning for the future.  Whenever I mention a location for the move, he complains.  Too far here, an expensive toll there, etc.  Also, he has said he will not retire until he literally can't get into a truck and drive it (he's drives big rigs).  So, he never puts me first, doesn't want to live where and how I'm planning to, we're not having sex, and he'll be working and providing little or no companionship.

The relationship has a shelf life!  I can walk the roommate path until I'm ready to move.  Unless something truly spectacular happens, I don't need him cluttering up my future.  I can be happy and more than content on my own.  I can cultivate a family of choice and remain single.  I don't need the "thin" comfort of a reluctant relationships and can only tolerate expedience (shared expense, chores and maintenance) for so long.