I mentioned “outrage burnout” in a recent post. I am finding it hard to find topics for posts. I think this is because silence demands less energy and less focus. When unfocused, I can ignore the circumstances and actions that spur emotions. I can avoid being depressed and dissatisfied. I don’t have to confront anything or, more importantly, anyone. I’ve never been comfortable with confrontation, avoiding it whenever possible and charging through when it isn’t.
This is probably why I tried to “blow up” my life when I turned 50. (I’m 55 years old now.) My changed life would be much more satisfying if I hadn’t let myself be placated and maneuvered.
The biggest branch: I would have kicked out the current guy and been available to share housing with my mom when her alcoholic guy placated and maneuvered her. Now she and I are both living in situations where we feel compromised. We’ve compromised our standards and our emotional and mental health. In her case, safety also plays a role.
My conclusion is: Silence is easier short-term. Remaining silent over the long-term is taxing and draining. I’ve got to buckle down and perform the tasks to prepare for the major changes I want over the next 2-5 years (including home ownership, co-habitation with my mom and retirement). I’m going to stop berating myself when I drop the ball and just pick it up again … as often as I have to.