Is Silence Easier?

I mentioned “outrage burnout” in a recent post. I am finding it hard to find topics for posts.  I think this is because silence demands less energy and less focus.  When unfocused, I can ignore the circumstances and actions that spur emotions.  I can avoid being depressed and dissatisfied.  I don’t have to confront anything or, more importantly, anyone.  I’ve never been comfortable with confrontation, avoiding it whenever possible and charging through when it isn’t.

This is probably why I tried to “blow up” my life when I turned 50. (I’m 55 years old now.)  My changed life would be much more satisfying if I hadn’t let myself be placated and maneuvered.

The biggest branch:  I would have kicked out the current guy and been available to share housing with my mom when her alcoholic guy placated and maneuvered her.  Now she and I are both living in situations where we feel compromised.  We’ve compromised our standards and our emotional and mental health.  In her case, safety also plays a role.

My conclusion is:  Silence is easier short-term.  Remaining silent over the long-term is taxing and draining.  I’ve got to buckle down and perform the tasks to prepare for the major changes I want over the next 2-5 years (including home ownership, co-habitation with my mom and retirement).  I’m going to stop berating myself when I drop the ball and just pick it up again … as often as I have to.