The first post of a new year should be profound or about a profound topic. It should bridge the old year into the new. I am not feeling profound however. I am feeling antsy and unfocused. The good news it that even though I woke up late, I made it to work on time. I was actually the second person on my hall. And that included snagging my sister’s Christmas gifts for mailing. She supplied instructions on how to do that too even without knowing exactly what we had.
So, in lieu of a profound post, I am running a “stream of consciousness” thing. Yesterday’s booty call was the latest in a practice I’ve been considering ending. I like sex, but I don’t have a drive to just have sex. Sex is connection for me. Since the guy and I spend very little time even in the same space and haven’t actually done anything together in ages, where would I find the connection? In sharing the bills? In his sleeping on the living room futon while I sleep in a king size bed?
I miss the fun stuff about sharing space and long-term relationships where you don’t have to provide long explanations and historical background for the things you say or make reference to. I don’t miss the person I was when married, but I do miss the companionship and the shared history. Only my ex-husband shares nearly 20 years of history, travel and experience. I have pictures that nobody wants to see. I have souvenirs that are collecting dust. I’m tired and find myself wanting to let go of things that don’t have an immediate use or tie me to things that no longer interest me. If I learn something new or discover an idea, who can I share it with? I could call my mom more often, but her world view is narrow. I could call my sister, but then I’d have to spend a good part of the call placating her in order to evade the emotional backlash.
I have been distancing myself from emotional connections. I see it, but I don’t feel a need to overcome it. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I need a work space. I don’t have one now, but I am going to concoct one. Since I can’t get my workroom back while it has two full size mattresses taking up nearly all the floor space, I am going to clear the kitchen/dining room and set up there. That is my January project. I just have to get started:
1 – Clean Erin’s cage
2 – Box up holiday clutter and move to storage
3 – Move stuff off the dining room table, cleaning the table
4 – Clean the chair cushions and dust around the dining room