I pulled out my iPod and synchronized it with music that I’d purchased elsewhere (Amazon and Google). If I want to discover something new, I listen to stations on Sirius or Amazon. If I want to hear someone in particular and am not ready to purchase, I listen on Amazon. If I have a certain sound or mood in mind, I start a new playlist or find a playlist or station based on a core artist or sound. The biggest change is simply spending more time listening .. again. We always edit memory for nostalgia, but I feel like my happiest post-divorce period involved music, concerts and events. It involved someone who wanted to spend time with me doing those things.
During what I’m considering a fallow period, I did revive my love of the ocean. I love just sitting on the beach with music or an audiobook, taking breaks for walks, getting my feet wet, maybe flying a kite. However, my friend has moved and I no longer have a free place to say. Driving there and back in the same day is tiring and doesn’t allow much time to relax. And paying to stay there solo is both expensive and lonely.
I’ve talked about this issue before. After the fiasco of my 50th birthday, I planned to blow-up my life and make radical changes … and just about everyone managed to deflect me. Giving in to that deflection accelerated a downward spiral or inertia and inaction. There’s nobody that truly thinks I’m special … that wants to spend time with me for something other than sex or a skill set. I don’t really want another (or different) boyfriend, but I haven’t found “my people” either, especially if that doesn’t involve me making all the plans and all the adjustments. I tested a core belief and found it true: the more honest you are, the more someone knows you, the more likely they are to disappear or drift away. Nobody stays … well, family. Family, however, have their own batch of expectations and those are based on their interpretation of all your past actions and their own assumptions. In other words, they want you to play the role they found most comfortable, best meets their needs, and doesn’t include fundamental change.
So, fundamental change is swimming against the current. Sometimes you have to make the swim in stages. My first stage involves two parts: vacationing in Kauai and booking a few select concerts. I have a solo ticket to see Melissa Etheridge at the Puyallup Fair on September 1st and a pair of tickets to see One Republic at the White River Amphitheatre on August 22nd. One Republic is a bit of a test … for the boyfriend. I’ve asked him several times to schedule that night off and told him several times that it is important. I expect to have a least one serious discussion with my mom and sister about retirement and housing options while in Hawaii. Then I’ll have a similar discussion with the boyfriend and have a better handle on our relationship.
Based on discussions and events over the summer, I expect to have a plan for the fall. The one common thread is downsizing. The ultimate results include how much I socialize, the size and location of my home purchase, and when I retire.
And now a little ancestry trivia:
Vossen Name Meaning
North German: from a diminutive of Fosse.
Grauman Name Meaning
Jewish variant spelling or respelling of German Graumann.
Hendrickson Name Meaning
Americanized spelling of Dutch Hendriksen. Scottish and English: patronymic from Hendrick.
Finney Name Meaning (England & Wales)
English: habitational name from any of several places in Cheshire called Finney or from Fenay in West Yorkshire, probably named from Old English finig ‘heap’ (especially one of wood), or from Old English and Old Norse finn ‘coarse grass’ + (ge)hæg ‘enclosure’.